Conquer Club

What's the difference between a boil and a pimple?

You can't dip your bread in a pimple.

Whats red and green and yellow and black and white and black and red and green and yellow?

A penguin in a deck-chair.

Difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCann?

Pope died a virgin.



Difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?

Madeleine McCann jokes'll get old.



A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything!"

His friend replies: "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found her head."



I called that rape advice line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.



A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



How does every black joke begin?

With a look over your shoulder



When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.



If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

lmaoooo one of those was so good that its on my sig!

johnnyrotten wrote:
I called that rape advice line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

You sick, sick puppy.


However, Madeline did die a virgin, I think it is pretty obvious that whilst mummy and daddy dined, she had died from an overdose of sleeping pills that they forced down her throat to keep them quiet as they had their jollies.

Why do Black men always cry during sex?

Because of the mace.


What did the blind, dumb and deaf orphan get for christmas?

Cancer.

Heavycolon wrote:What did the blind, dumb and deaf orphan get for christmas?

Cancer.

aww thats mean but funny!

johnnyrotten wrote:When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

t-o-m wrote:

Heavycolon wrote:What did the blind, dumb and deaf orphan get for christmas?

Cancer.

aww thats mean but funny!

It gets worse....he was put under Harold shipmans care....

that man just killed his paitents so how that gonna help???...oh wait that's the joke!

Elton John did a new version of "Candle in the Wind" when Princess Diana died.

Shortly after that, Mother Theresa died. So he did another new version, "Sandals in the Bin"...

InkL0sed wrote:One problem with sticking your penis in a baby's mouth: it may be in the biting stage.

The gums make it feel nice

johnnyrotten wrote:Difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCann?

Pope died a virgin. probably had some choir boys sucking him off though



Difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?

Madeleine McCann jokes'll get old. sick, but funny



A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything!"

His friend replies: "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found her head." sick, but very funny.



I called that rape advice line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims. heard before, but still funny.



A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" very good.



How does every black joke begin?

With a look over your shoulder oh so true.



When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness. very funny.



If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

very good question.

What's the difference between McCann and Diana?


One was being screwed over by an arab guy before she died.

The other was in a tragic car accident....

Did I just...? No...

DAZMCFC wrote:

johnnyrotten wrote:If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

very good question.

Boring Answer: Technically it's neither.
It's not rape (though I once knew a man who vehemently believed that it was), and the theft charge would be unlikely to stick as you can't prove that the criminal mindset was formed during the sex itself. You'd be better off charging the fleeing punter with 'making off without payment', a Theft Act 1974 offence that's designed to cover just that kind of situation (i.e. where somebody uses something with permission, then decides to f*ck off without paying, like doing a runner from an Indian Restaurant while the waiter is out back preparing your bill).

Dancing Mustard wrote:

DAZMCFC wrote:

johnnyrotten wrote:If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

very good question.

Boring Answer: Technically it's neither.
It's not rape (though I once knew a man who vehemently believed that it was), and the theft charge would be unlikely to stick as you can't prove that the criminal mindset was formed during the sex itself. You'd be better off charging the fleeing punter with 'making off without payment', a Theft Act 1974 offence that's designed to cover just that kind of situation (i.e. where somebody uses something with permission, then decides to f*ck off without paying, like doing a runner from an Indian Restaurant while the waiter is out back preparing your bill).

But what if the hooker charges up front and you don't pay?

Then surely she wouldn't be consenting to the sex, and we'd have a straightforward rape on our hands.
Also, given that no service would be provided, then a theft charge would be a hard one to stick.

Neo Tony! What a great avatar

Even better - Heavy Colon

ROFL

there is the box of cheerios, and inside the box there's the upper class, the middle calss, and the lower class.
one day, a lower class cheerio decides he wants to become middle class. so he kills a middle class cheerio and moves into his house. since they all look the same, no one will know the difference.
all the middle class cheerios eat at this middle class diner for all their meals, so the murderer goes there for breakfast. he walks in and asks the waiter whats for breakfast, and the waiter replied," we have eggs benedict sir, with hashbrowns". the cheerio asked how he could get some and the waiter told him to go stand in a line on his left. the cherrio stands in line and gets his food then goes back to the waiter and asks him what they have to drink. " do you have any orange juice?" he asks. and the waiter said" the freshest squeezed orange juice in all of the box". "how do i get some?" the murderer asks. " you stand in the line on my left". the cheerio gets the o.j. and sits down and eats his food and drinks his drink. then he goes home.

he goes back for lunch and asks the waiter whats for lunch,and the waiter replied," we have a ham and turkey sandwich sir". the cheerio asked how he could get some and the waiter told him to go stand in a line on his left. the cherrio stands in line and gets his food then goes back to the waiter and asks him what they have to drink. " do you have any lemonade?" he asks. and the waiter said" the freshest squeezed lemonade in all of the box". "how do i get some?" the murderer asks. " you stand in the line on my left". the cheerio gets the lemonade and sits down and eats his food and drinks his drink. then he goes home.

he goes back for dinner and asks the waiter whats for dinner,and the waiter replied," we have roast beef and salad sir". the cheerio asked how he could get some and the waiter told him to go stand in a line on his left. the cherrio stands in line and gets his food then goes back to the waiter and asks him what they have to drink. " do you have any punch?" he asks. and the waiter said" im sorry sir, we have no puch line".

The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador, John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have a question about something I have seen in America."

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."

Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."





A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!




A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Did you accidentally delete a line or two there, DDS?

Fixed