Conquer Club

So yeah... it's summer time now and stuff, which means the clock is chiming shirtless o'clock.

Now that's cool for me and all, because I'm totally stacked and can bench-press my local pub, even at peak times; but for Dapper Tom things are a bit more difficult.
Anyway, I'm taking him to some 'military fitness' session next week (he doesn't know that yet) to help him get tonked for the summer time so he can wow the babes; but I wondered if the rest of the CC community could give him some training tips to help him become a bit more Schwarzeneggeresque (just talking in an Austrian Accent isn't quite doing enough for him at present).
The conditions are these: he's fairly poor, so he can't invest in any of this crazy steroid shit you Americans seem to love, he owns no equipment other than a few dumbells, and he has to study five days a week (so joining a Shaolin Monastry full-time isn't an option).

So go, all helpful suggestions to help Dapper Tom get well ripped for the summer will be greatly appreciated.

Wank a lot.
Predictable, I know, but it for once it seemed relevant.

Eat only grubbs and drink only puddle water.

Don't go to the gym, go train in a cold shed with no modern equipment. This way you can win the cold war.

just do a shitload of pushups and situps

Push ups, sit ups, go jogging for a few miles, take up kick boxing, do some sqauts to strengthen the knees, do straight punches with the weights, and eat ONLY raw eggs.


(All but the last suggestion was serious advice)

Raw eggs are the win!

Low Reps to muscle failure, large protein intake.

suggs wrote:Wank a lot.
Predictable, I know, but it for once it seemed relevant.

lol strangely that would make one part of you fit, but ud need to switch hands.

also heyou could perhaps not take off hisyour top

Don't be like that Sam, my behemoth biceps are like a walking gym comercial; but Tom needs all the help he can get if he's to bag any honeys when we hit Daytona Beach.

Dancing Mustard wrote:Don't be like that Sam, my behemoth biceps are like a walking gym comercial; but Tom needs all the help he can get if he's to bag any honeys when we hit Daytona Beach.

ok, i say press ups, sit ups, raw eggs for breakfast, jog in the morning, and weight train.

also why cant he just follow your regime? if your that buff then it should be no probs

Military fitness? You mean the physically and morally degrading practice of wasting a perfectly good weekend afternoon doing circuit training with dudes in combats on Clapham Common when you could be in the pub drinking Pride. Shame on you mustard.

Chicks dig fat things, especially wallets, work on that and leave the body beautiful to the dudes who buy t-shirts one size to small and utilise the isle containing mens skin care products in Boots. Nothing girls like more than a rich fat man, supping pride with a the crumbs from his sixth pack of pork scratchings nestling between his moobs.

Bertros Bertros wrote:Chicks dig fat things, especially wallets, work on that and leave the body beautiful to the dudes who buy t-shirts one size to small and utilise the isle containing mens skin care products in Boots. Nothing s like more than a rich fat man.

yer leave it to us, o0h and chicks just love a rich man, no matter what he looks like, even the boy with a tumor on his face. iv seen the pics, its pretty bad.....

Bertros Bertros wrote:Chicks dig fat things

Yes well my cock already has that department covered... but thanks none the less.

sam_levi_11 wrote:yer leave it to us, o0h and chicks just love a rich man, no matter what he looks like, even the boy with a tumor on his face.

Mikhail Gorbachev informs me that he resents that comment.

sam_levi_11 wrote:yer leave it to us, o0h and chicks just love a rich man, no matter what he looks like, even the boy with a tumor on his face.

Mikhail Gorbachev informs me that he resents that comment.[/quote]lol

Dancing Mustard wrote:

Bertros Bertros wrote:Chicks dig fat things

Yes well my cock already has that department covered... but thanks none the less.

But doesn't that directly contradict the third rule of abdominalism that all men who have defined stomach muscles and a penchant for wearing tight white ribbed t-shirts have the cock of a six month old pygmy rat? Or did you mean your cock has your wallet covered, or maybe your wallet is covered with pictures of your cock, that must be it, which is a very strange idea but one that is growing on me...

f*ck. Why on earth exit read-only mode to get involved in this. Though I did find out you can do military fitness weekday mornings so it doesn't have to interfere with Saturday afternoons, which then begs the question, why does anyone do military fitness on a saturday afternoon?

Anyway want to get ripped? Go get a job that involves some exercise, ideally outdoors in the sun, sure you'll earn loads less but then you won't have to pay for military fitness, the tanning shop, penis enlargement or any of the other costly activities that go with online world domination.

Bertros Bertros wrote:Or did you mean your cock has your wallet covered, or maybe your wallet is covered with pictures of your cock

Both column A and column B really... I kind of wrapped my knob around my wallet several times to keep it secure; so my wing-wang does cover my wallet and to the untrained (and unexpecting) eye it would also look as if my wallet was festooned with images of dong.

There, now you know why you exited read only mode.

Bertros Bertros wrote:then you won't have to pay for penis enlargement

I personally found that crumpling up a sock was far more effective than those ridiculous pills.

That said, it was a very fine sock... so the cost was not inconsiderable.

Fat bastard o'clock for me.

Dancing Mustard wrote:Both column A and column B really... I kind of wrapped my knob around my wallet several times to keep it secure; so my wing-wang does cover my wallet and to the untrained (and unexpecting) eye it would also look as if my wallet was festooned with images of dong.

LOL

Doreen, who charges very reasonable prices, tells me i am perfect.
And i believe her.

suggs wrote:Doreen, who charges very reasonable prices, tells me i am perfect.
And i believe her.

is that ur wife, who charges ME reasonable prices? or a diff prossie?

as most places don't have bars to do chin-ups we use to do them in reverse.

push-ups with our legs up against a wall, in a hand stand position.

Of course, in strict gym parlance, "ripped" is used to describe a body rid of it's fat, whilst "stacked" refers to actual muscle mass. To look "tonked" you need both: it's no good having loads of muscle mass obscured by unsightly folds of fats.

Napoleon Ier wrote:Of course, in strict gym parlance, "ripped" is used to describe a body rid of it's fat, whilst "stacked" refers to actual muscle mass. To look "tonked" you need both: it's no good having loads of muscle mass obscured by unsightly folds of fats.

Hmmmm

So 'tonked' is what Tom is aiming for then eh? Well In that case I suppose we need to locate a user who has become 'tonked' himself, who can give qualified advice. But where to find such a man? Who out there in the CC community has succeded in this physical endeavour? Which one among our number has "got tonked" so to speak?

Nope... nobody comes to mind. Meh.

Dancing Mustard wrote:

Napoleon Ier wrote:Of course, in strict gym parlance, "ripped" is used to describe a body rid of it's fat, whilst "stacked" refers to actual muscle mass. To look "tonked" you need both: it's no good having loads of muscle mass obscured by unsightly folds of fats.

Hmmmm

So 'tonked' is what Tom is aiming for then eh? Well In that case I suppose we need to locate a user who has become 'tonked' himself, who can give qualified advice. But where to find such a man? Who out there in the CC community has succeded in this physical endeavour? Which one among our number has "got tonked" so to speak?

Nope... nobody comes to mind. Meh.

Shame though, since we were so close.