Conquer Club

He Said: Cheating, when you whittle it down to its essence, is an expression of contempt. It's how we tell each other in sometimes subtle, other times obvious ways that we do not need our partners. It is how we punish each other for the frustrations we have in our common lives.

Sometimes we cheat to hurt our partners; other times we do so to hurt ourselves. We nurture other relationships to fill gaps or needs that remain unfulfilled with our partners and find substitutes for contributions to our lives that we wish they would meet, but unfortunately do not.

We cheat out of frustration, desire, anger, and resentment. To be fair, good things can sometimes come out of cheating. In the end, though, cheating inevitably hurts at least one person -- and usually more than that.

For men, physical cheating is more painful than emotional cheating because we, as a gender, relate to everything in a physical way first. This is our nature. We are possessive and protective of our partners in a way that is reminiscent of cavemen protecting cavewomen with spears and clubs.



Sure, we don't mind if you take a male friend shopping (secretly, some of us are thanking him). If we are out, though, we are always watching other men and aware of who is paying attention to you. When we leave you alone at an event, we scan the room to take an inventory of the men that noticed you, speak to you, and come close to you.

Does it seem a little silly? Possibly. In our defense, though, we can't help it; it's instinctual. The reality is that while we don't care with whom you shop, talk, eat, or text, we do care deeply about who looks at you, smells your hair, holds your hand, and takes you to bed.

For men, the act of learning about our partner's infidelity is, simply put, emasculating -- and the rejection that comes with this realization is painful. This pain, in turn, is only magnified by how much we care for our partners.

In the end, the reason that physical cheating is so painful is that we can envision it. We can play back the rendezvous in our mind over and over and relive our partner seeking comfort or escape in the arms of another. When you compare this to emotional cheating, it is clear why physical cheating is more painful to deal with, and why physical cheating leads to the end of so many relationships.

She Said: Without a doubt, when it comes to cheating, sexual indiscretions are the lesser of the two evils -- not because it's necessarily easier to forgive a partner's one-night stand, but because an emotional affair generally means the cheater has already thrown in the towel on your relationship.

Take the most recent political cheating scandal, for example. When Governor Mark Sanford revealed that he had been cheating on his wife, I was surprised to find that some people had sympathy for him on the grounds that he was in love with his mistress. Now, he says he's going to try falling back in love with his wife (how noble!). I won't be holding my breath.

Here's my issue with this claim, whoever makes it -- there is no such thing as accidentally getting a little too drunk and carrying on a passionate love affair. There's no emotional cheating equivalent to a one-night stand. It's generally quite a calculated and elaborate production to hide one.

That's not to say that physical cheating happens only under those one-night-only inebriated conditions, but purely physically cheating generally does -- if you're having a long-term sexual affair or hooking up with a friend who isn't your significant other, chances are that it's either a result of or has resulted in emotional infidelity as well.

So the problem isn't that one kind of cheating is more or less forgivable than the other -- it's that forgiving and forgetting isn't an option when your partner has emotionally cheated. Your partner doesn't want to be forgiven -- they want out. They want out but can't or won't pull the trigger, consciously or subconsciously forcing their partner to be the one who calls it quits.

In Governor Sanford's case, neither he nor is wife is doing that -- instead she'll try to forgive him for his infidelity while he tries to fall in love with her. I can fathom forgiving and moving past a boyfriend's one-night stand, but I don't know a single couple who has been able to continue dating after an emotional infidelity -- especially when, as in the governor's case, the cheater needs to make a concerted effort to fall back in love with his significant other.

apey wrote:Emotional cheating would be; you have an affair, then fall in love with the other person (right?)
Then physical cheating is obvious here sex. In my opinion cheating is cheating. It is wrong no matter what the attraction or reasoning.
But my questions is, do you men really pay that much attention to other men when your woman is around? I do not think I have ever actually noticed my husband glancing around, or paying any sort of attention to what other men in the room have noticed me
And he certainly isn't a jealous man I can flirt (sometimes shamelessly) with other ppl and he couldn't give a rats ass less

Here's my issue with this claim, whoever makes it -- there is no such thing as accidentally getting a little too drunk and carrying on a passionate love affair. There's no emotional cheating equivalent to a one-night stand. It's generally quite a calculated and elaborate production to hide one.

jonesthecurl wrote:I don't know who this "we" is that can't help spying on our girlfriends at parties to see who they're talking to, or that feel like a caveman with a spear and club.

KoolBak wrote:Apey, you are a lucky girl Jealousy is the worst of the human emotions in my opinion. If you're not secure as an individual, you canna be secure in a relationship.....and speaking of cheating....after 22 years of marriage, I just KNOW that particular issue would result in a quick but very painful death and / or dismemberment....and the worst part would be saying bye-bye to my kids who mean the world to me. So THATS not an option.....lol.

apey wrote:
But my questions is, do you men really pay that much attention to other men when your woman is around? I do not think I have ever actually noticed my husband glancing around, or paying any sort of attention to what other men in the room have noticed me

DAZMCFC wrote: KB i know where you are coming from. married 16 years.

Titanic wrote:

DAZMCFC wrote: KB i know where you are coming from. married 16 years.

Really? Damn, I thought you were about my age....

DAZMCFC wrote:

Titanic wrote:

DAZMCFC wrote: KB i know where you are coming from. married 16 years.

Really? Damn, I thought you were about my age....

i'm only 39, not too old mate.

pmchugh wrote:

DAZMCFC wrote:

Titanic wrote:

DAZMCFC wrote: KB i know where you are coming from. married 16 years.

Really? Damn, I thought you were about my age....

i'm only 39, not too old mate.

You sure about that

joecoolfrog wrote:I agree that its fine to sleep around providing one does not develop an emotional attachment

apey wrote:

joecoolfrog wrote:I agree that its fine to sleep around providing one does not develop an emotional attachment

WHORE!!!

john9blue wrote:I don't think I could do justice to my experiences with relationships (with one girl in particular) without writing a double tonka length post that nobody would read. Suffice it to say that my faith in girls to make reasonable decisions in love is pretty low. I'm sure there are girls like the ones on most television shows and movies and romantic novels... I have yet to become well acquainted with one, though...