Post a good joke

[Symmetry]

Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor, says "make me one with everything"


(Edit) Thanks to Neoteny

If you want to hide the punchline:

You need to type- ["spoiler]The Punchline goes here.[/spoiler"]

And remove the " at the ends.

[Symmetry]

That one takes a bit of time to get:

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel down his trousers.

Bar tender says: Doesn't that bother you?

"Argh"! Say the pirate. "It's driving me nuts"

[Timminz]

What's brown and sticky?













































A stick.

[Timminz]

What's pink and sticky?



















































A pink stick.

[Symmetry]

[quote="Timminz"]What's brown and sticky?

What's pink and hard?














Miss Piggy with a flick knife

[Timminz]

What's small, and orange, and rolls around on the ground?































A wounded cheesy.

[Symmetry]

Actually, anyone know how to post a spoiler?

[Symmetry]

In the mean time:

What's green and eats nuts?













Syphilis

[Neoteny]

Code: Select all

[spoiler]punchline.[/spoiler]

[Symmetry]

Code: Select all

[spoiler]punchline.[/spoiler]

Much appreciated, for now I will tell one of my more nasty jokes:

What's the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?

[spoiler]The wheelchair.[/spoiler]

[jonesthecurl]

What's pink and hard













The Financial Times crossword.

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?

[Neoteny]

You have to take out the code part.

[jonesthecurl]

What's pink and hard













The Financial Times crossword.

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?

Your mum.

[Symmetry]

You have to take out the code part.

Hah- awesome- thanks for that- I'll put it in the OP.

[Symmetry]

What's the difference between a circus and strip show?

[spoiler]One has cunning stunts[/spoiler]

[b.k. barunt]

A third grade teacher decided to quiz her students on famous presidential quotes. The first quote was "all men are created equal". After a moment of absolute silence a little Japanese kid raised his hand and said "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Very good Mr. Sakamoto" said the teacher, now who said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"? Another moment of silence and then the Japanese kid raised his hand again - "John F. Kennedy, 1962." "Excellent Mr. Sakamoto" said the teacher.

She looked over the other kids in the class and said "now you children should be ashamed. Here you are being shown up by having a Japanese boy know more about your country than you." At this point an anonymous voice piped up - "f*ck the Japanese!". The teacher's eyes darted from student to student as she angrily demanded "who said that?!" A prim little girl in pigtails then raised her hand and said "Harry Truman, 1945."


Honibaz

[Symmetry]

Pirate walk into a bar. He's got a hook for hand, a peg leg, and an eye-patch. Sits down next to a sailor and orders his rum.

A few drinks in, the sailor says "I've got to ask- how did you lose that leg?"

Pirate: "Argh" as pirates do, "'twas a terrible storm, I were washed overboard. Before they fished me out, a shark bit of me leg.

Sailor: That's terrible. What happened to your hand?

Pirate: "Argh" (I told you that they do), "boardin' an enemy ship. Before I ran 'im through, the gutless swine took off me hand"

Sailor: That's awful, but what happened to your eye?

Pirate: 'twas a beautiful day. I looked up at the clouds, and a gull crapped in my eye.

Sailor: That's... well...unpleasant

Pirate: Well, 'twas my first day with hook.

[L M S]

Do you guys know why they call it a cunt?



















Cause that's the sound it makes when you kick it.

[NuclearWarhead]

What's pink and hard in the morning?

[spoiler]The Financial Times Crossword.[/spoiler]

[Timminz]

What's small, and green, and has wheels?
[spoiler]Grass, but I lied about the wheels.[/spoiler]

[Symmetry]

Simple test of critical thinking (NOT TRUE), that is simple for small children (ACTUALLY TRUE)

1. How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

[spoiler]Open the door and put the elephant in. This question is designed to see if you overcomplicate things when a simple solution is available.[/spoiler]

2. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?

[spoiler]Open the fridge and take out the elephant, put in the giraffe. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.[/spoiler]

3. All the animals in the world are having a conference. Every animal attends apart from one. Which animal doesn't go?

[spoiler]The giraffe. You just put it in a fridge. This tests your memory.[/spoiler]

Last chance:

4. You're standing on the banks of a river. A sign says- "Beware of Crocodiles". You need to get to the other side, but there's no boat, no bridge, it's too far to jump, and you have nothing useful at hand. How do get across.

[spoiler]You swim. Pay attention! All the animals are at a conference.[/spoiler]

[Phatscotty]

Drinking with a Minnesota Woman

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Minnesota woman are having drinks together at a bar. The bartender gives each of them a free shot, provided, after they drink, they share something about where they live before the glass is set down.

So the Mexican drinks first, and when he is done he throws his glass in the air and shoots it with his pistol and says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't ever drink out of the same glass twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed, took his shot, pulled out an AK-47 and put a bullet through the glass before it hit the ground and said "In Arabia, we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink from the same glass either."

The Minnesota girl takes her shot, throws the glass in the air, whips out her 45 and shoots both the Mexican and the Arab dead before the glass hits the floor, and says, "Here, in Minnesota, we have so many illegal aliens, we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[jay_a2j]

What's bloated, won't work and will bankrupt us?

[spoiler]Obama's health care plan[/spoiler]

[Phatscotty]

I heard Obama was raising the tax on aspirin 500%.

Why?

Cuz they are white and they work

[Symmetry]

Sigh- this happened slightly faster than I thought, and, true to form, problems with the words "good" and "joke". Phatscotty gets points for understanding the latter. Jay... ah well.

How do you titillate an ocelot?

[spoiler]Oscillate its tits a lot[/spoiler]