Clean Corny Jokes - Please

[oldrisky44]

A man answers a newspaper ad for a "Talking dog for sale". He calls the number and a man answers the phone...

Man: This ad says you have a talking dog for sale
Owner: Yes, I do
Man: Really, a talking dog? Can I talk to it?
Owner: He is watching tv and won't get off the couch, you are welcome to come over and talk to him if you like.
Man: He's what? Um...OK, I will come over and see for myself.

20 minutes later the man arrives and knocks on the door.
Man: I came by to see the talking dog for sale.
Owner: Oh yes, he's in there (pointing) watching tv, go on in.

The man walks into the living room and there he is, a dog watching tv.
Dog: What's up?
Man: You talk? You really talk?
Dog: Sure I talk, why?
Man: - Stunned and confused - How? What? Er, how did you learn to talk?
Dog: Well, I started out acting in commercials, dog food, dog toys, you know; my trainer was a very energetic young woman and one day she taught me to say "Roof", then "I love you", soon I was speaking in sentences. I started doing training videos for police dogs and their handlers, then I was hired by the LAPD for some airport security / bomb sniffing stuff. After a couple years, the military found out about me and I was sent to Iraq to help out there. Lou here was my handler in Iraq and we retired together in 2007. Been here ever since.
Man: WOW! I can't believe this!

The man runs into the other room to talk to the owner.
Man: What a story! Why would you ever want to sell a dog like that?
Owner: -yelling and turning his head toward the other room where the dog is watching tv- BECAUSE HE'S A BIG FAT LIAR!

[stanley knife]

i middle aged man called gary is sitting on his back porch watching the clouds in the sky when all of a sudden one of the clouds opens up and god appears
"gary" says god "youve lived a good life, youve never purposely hurt anyone, youve never stolen off anyone and youve always done what you can to help people in need. im going to grant you one wish as a reward."

gary thinks about it for a while and says "i'd like a highway that stretches from california to hawaii so i can ride my motorbike back and forth on the weekends."

god looks at him and say "do you realise how much concrete you would need to build supports all the way to the bottom of the pacific ocean, not to mention the environmental damage that would be caused to the ocean floor. think of something else"

gary thinks for a while and says "i want to understand woman"

god scratches his head and says "would you like 2 lanes or 3 on this highway?"

[stanley knife]

everyone seems to wonder why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. lets have a look at the evidence

Bigotry Removed

[KoolBak]

So an unhappily married husband and wife find aladdins lamp.....they flip a coin to see who goes first on the wishing (and thus getting TWO of the three wishes).....Husband wins.....

They rub the lamp and out pops the genie granting three wishes....

Hubby: I wish for 1 BILLION dollars!

Wifey: I wish for TWICE whatever my husband wishes for!!

Hubby: *thinks for a while*.........I wish to be beaten HALF to death!!

[Pirlo]

everyone seems to wonder why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. lets have a look at the evidence

wow... you got a real shit image & stereotype about Muslims or "muslim terrorists" as you like to call them... and do you think they all (+1 billion people) are like that crap?

Andrea the Charmer

[Army of GOD]

everyone seems to wonder why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. lets have a look at the evidence

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/1 ... y-training

[Pirlo]

everyone seems to wonder why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. lets have a look at the evidence

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/1 ... y-training

looks like I got stuck among some FOX NEWS fans

- Andrea the Charmer

[stanley knife]

i did say "muslim terrorsts" for a reason, i realise not all muslims are fascist jihad extremists committing suicide attacks, hijackings, kidnapping and executions toward anything non-muslim

[stanley knife]

anyway its just a joke, they probably dont even cook over burning camel shit for all i know

[oldrisky44]

Political / religious / racial / otherwise non-comedic comments belong elsewhere.

Please don't hijack this JOKES thread.

A grape, a plum, and an apricot walk into a tanning parlor.

An hour later a raisin, a prune, and an apricot walk out.

[pancakemix]

The local newspaper hosted a pun writing contest contest a few years ago. The winner would get their pun published. I submitted ten entries. I hoped I would win.

But no pun in ten did.

[KoolBak]

The local newspaper hosted a pun writing contest contest a few years ago. The winner would get their pun published. I submitted ten entries. I hoped I would win.

But no pun in ten did.

Beautiful

[stanley knife]

Political / religious / racial / otherwise non-comedic comments belong elsewhere.

Please don't hijack this JOKES thread.

sry i didnt mean to cause a scene

[stanley knife]

whats black, white and red all over?

a newspaper

[stanley knife]

a man walks into his bedroom where his wife is laying down watching tv
he swings the door wide open and in walk a fully grown female sheep
"darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." says the man
his wife looks at him and says "i think you'll find thats not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."
"shut up, i wasn't talking to you." replies the man

[clapper011]

guys, I realize these are jokes...but please be careful which jokes you chose to post, as some are not meant for a public forum. keep them clean

clappy

[jonesthecurl]

whats black, white and red all over?

a newspaper

Or an extremely embarrassed penguin.

[stanley knife]

whats black, white and red all over?

a newspaper

Or an extremely embarrassed penguin.

haha!

a middle aged man and his wife are sitting in their living room when i man turns and says to his wife, "i want you to know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. if this ever happens to me i want you to pull the plug."
his wife got up, unplugged the tv and threw out all of his beer.

[stanley knife]

"wow thats the largest vagina iv ever seen"
"wow thats the largest vagina iv ever seen"
"you dont need to say it twice!"
"i didnt"

[KoolBak]

Thats far from clean [expletive deleted].

[vexx]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7,8,9.

[Pirlo]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7,8,9.

epic

- Andrea the Charmer

[isaiah40]

What did the seaweed say when it got stuck?


Kelp! Kelp!

[AndyDufresne]

What did the field mouse's lawyer charge Little Bunny Foo Foo with in court?

Haressment


--Andy

[Mr_Adams]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the bottom of the chicken's foot.