Welcome to rating jokes!!!!

vtmarik · Post by **vtmarik** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 12:21 pm

That is a 5! Good one.

Alright
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Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane?! There's no way in hell that could happen!"

"No, it's true..." said the first man, "let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar and meets up with the second man, who is astonished.

"Oh my god, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must've been a one-time fluke. It's scientifically impossible."

"Ok, i'll do it again." The first man jumps again, gets carried back to the 10th floor window and takes the elevator back up.

"Wow!" the second man says. "Well, what the hell, I've seen that it works so I'm gonna try it!" He jumps off the balcony, plunges rapidly, passes the 10th floor and hits the sidewalk.... Splat!!

The bartender turns to the first man and shakes his head.

"You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk."

slash1890 · Post by **slash1890** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 7:58 pm

Hehe...4.

So, a woman going into labor is rushed to the hospital. It's a long and difficult birth, but eventually they get the baby out. The nurse is handing the baby to the mother when suddenly she "accidently" drops it on the floor. The mother is shocked! The nurse says "Oops, my bad, I meant to do it harder!" She grabs the baby and flings it to the floor as hard as she can, then picks it up and drop kicks it. The mother is screaming in horror and shock "WHAT THE f*ck ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY" as the nurse starts slamming its head against the wall. The nurse stops and says, "Ha ha, I'm just fucking with you! It's stillborn!"

wcaclimbing · Post by **wcaclimbing** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 9:33 pm

that was funny, but disgusting! i give it a 1

gavin_sidhu · Post by **gavin_sidhu** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:38 pm

slash1890 wrote:Hehe...4.

So, a woman going into labor is rushed to the hospital. It's a long and difficult birth, but eventually they get the baby out. The nurse is handing the baby to the mother when suddenly she "accidently" drops it on the floor. The mother is shocked! The nurse says "Oops, my bad, I meant to do it harder!" She grabs the baby and flings it to the floor as hard as she can, then picks it up and drop kicks it. The mother is screaming in horror and shock "WHAT THE f*ck ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY" as the nurse starts slamming its head against the wall. The nurse stops and says, "Ha ha, I'm just fucking with you! It's stillborn!"

lololol. That is so bad but so funny.

jay_a2j · Post by **jay_a2j** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:44 pm

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Bozo · Post by **Bozo** » Sat Sep 30, 2006 10:49 pm

3.5

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

vtmarik · Post by **vtmarik** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 4:01 am

3, maybe 3.5

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said. "Stand in the corner!"

She rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much that I got one for us too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damn thing."

wcaclimbing · Post by **wcaclimbing** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 12:14 pm

0
i dont get it...

bluereaper · Post by **bluereaper** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 12:54 pm

That joke is a freakin 5 for sure....here let me explain it to you wcaclimbing, the statue at the smith's house was the husband that came home. Both houses did the same thing to hid their lover. So since the husband new it was a real guy and he dind't get anything when he pretended to be a statue, he got the guy a beer

wcaclimbing · Post by **wcaclimbing** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 2:41 pm

oh lol 4

Joke: women's rights $\:D/$

Utafar · Post by **Utafar** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 4:13 pm

wcaclimbing wrote:Joke: women's rights $\:D/$

0

dude your like 9 stfu

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself

riskproplayer · Post by **riskproplayer** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 5:38 pm

lol 4. 6

Kegler · Post by **Kegler** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 6:05 pm

cowboy joke was hilarious. :lol:

She was so blonde that she thought a quarterback was a refund.

wcaclimbing · Post by **wcaclimbing** » Sun Oct 01, 2006 6:38 pm

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself

nice i give a 5 =D>

jay_a2j · Post by **jay_a2j** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 12:36 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"Youre finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari."

vtmarik · Post by **vtmarik** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 1:25 pm

That's a 4, nice one.

A blonde walks into an electronics store and says to the salesman "How much for that TV?"

The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

The blonde leaves, has her hair dyed brown, walks back in and asks again, "How much for that TV?"

Again the salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

Confused, the blonde leaves, dyes her hair red, and walks back in. "How much for that TV?"

Again, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

Fed up, she asks "My hair's not blonde, what makes you think i'm a dumb blonde?"

The salesman smiles and says, "Because that's a microwave"

riskproplayer · Post by **riskproplayer** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 6:16 pm

LOL 5

slash1890 · Post by **slash1890** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 6:59 pm

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

Utafar · Post by **Utafar** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 7:29 pm

LMFAO! 5

strike wolf · Post by **strike wolf** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 8:40 pm

vtmarik wrote:That's a 4, nice one.

A blonde walks into an electronics store and says to the salesman "How much for that TV?"

The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

The blonde leaves, has her hair dyed brown, walks back in and asks again, "How much for that TV?"

Again the salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

Confused, the blonde leaves, dyes her hair red, and walks back in. "How much for that TV?"

Again, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes."

Fed up, she asks "My hair's not blonde, what makes you think i'm a dumb blonde?"

The salesman smiles and says, "Because that's a microwave"

1. Heard it before.

Speaking of dumb blonde jokes that have been heard before:

A blonde walks into a barber shop with head phones on. She tells them that she just wants it trimmed up a little. The owner tells her to go to one of the chairs. and she does. The owner then says,

"Miss, you have to take off the headphones."

dumb blonde: "I can't"

"Miss, I can't cut your hair if you don't take them off."

dumb blonde: "But I can't take them off."

So the owner takes them off and a minute later the blonde dies. The owner picks up the headphones and listens to them. "Breath in, breath out"

slash1890 · Post by **slash1890** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 10:26 pm

4

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Kegler · Post by **Kegler** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:11 pm

speaking of dead blondes

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?

Last years Hide and Go Seek Champion!

vtmarik · Post by **vtmarik** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:48 pm

Meh, 2

How do you get 50 dead babies into a bucket?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Nachos.

P Gizzle · Post by **P Gizzle** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:50 pm

-100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

that's not even funny just gross. NO MORE BABY JOKES!

jay_a2j · Post by **jay_a2j** » Mon Oct 02, 2006 11:52 pm

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"