SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[dakky21]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

[Tobikera]

Which bees produce milk?

[spoiler=Answer]Boo-bees![/spoiler]

[MSpitts24]

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he comes down the chimney

[t4mcr53s2]

another theme near and dear to Duk's heart/.... why is Duk like a caveman looking to drag a new wife back to the cave by her hair?

[spoiler]They both need a "conk her club "[/spoiler]

[misteryforall]

Two friend have conversation....1st: "Why are you so sad?" 2cd-"mixed up my organs!"
1st-"How do you mix the organs? 2cd- "The doctor told me that my liver went to hell!"

[Winged Cat]

In the aftermath of taking down a particularly well-disguised multi-account scheme, an admin found the bot that had been used to set up and hide the accounts. It was apparently the sixth in a series of bots which had been named in alphabetical order for birds, given comments in the code about "version Albatross" through "version Eagle". Given the obvious time and effort that had gone into it, the admin concluded that this multi's Falcon was the stuff that dreams were made of.

[ooge]

if your house has wheels and your car does not..you might be a redneck..Jeff Foxworthy.

[Dukasaur]

[takman2k]

So many things about a persons 'bum' should stay private. Yet there are bears on tv talking about butt fuzz being left by other tissue, and an English lady who invites people to try her tissue, and go commando (no undies btw). They also have charcoal infused underwear as well. Its supposed to take the stink down for anything that has hopped aboard from the front or back. Id like to know whats next for them, the actual ca-ca shown?

[LiveLoveTeach]

If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a while, they're usually around 90*

[Pochuco]

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

…Ba-na-na-naaa!

[lokisgal]

How did the elephant hide in the bag of M and M's


He painted his toenails!

[zipper66]

It is early Saturday morning, and Mother Superior of Saint Mary Margaret Convent in County Clare hears a knocking at the door. She opens it, looks around and there is no one there. She is about to shut the door when a tiny voice says, "Down here, Mother Superior". She looks down and there are two of the little people in their bright kelly green outfits, red beards and little hats with a clover in each. One is really drunk out of his skull and the other is not much better off. He tips his hat and says, "Top o'the mornin to ye, Mother Superior. Me guid friend Liam here would like to be knowin' if ye have any leprechaun nuns in the convent"? "No, we don't have any little people in our convent", she replies. Liam grunts a few words in Pat's ear, to which he then says to Mother Superior, "Well, are there any leprechaun nuns in the local parish"? Again she replies, "No, there are no leprechaun nuns in the parish". Liam again grunts something in Pat's ear. "Well, can ye be tellin' me, Mother Superior, does the Cathlic Church have any leprechaun nuns at all?" "No", she replies. "The church doesn't accept little people into any religious order". Pat turns to Liam and says, "D'ye see now Liam? That was a penguin ye fucked in the bar last night".

[1/2nuts1/2genius]

So Razorvich and I are driving down the road, headed home after winning a Feudal War doubles tournament. We are drinking a couple beers feeling like real men after our victory. While passing a farm we see this goat with its head stuck in a fence. I stomp on the brakes, hit reverse and stop in front of the goat. Feeling like a real man after our victory I look at Razorvich and tell him "watch this!" I run up behind the goat, drop my pants, and give him the business. Proud of myself, I look at Razorvich and tell him you have got to try this! Being the good sport he is, Razorvich sticks his head in the fence!

[Charle]

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[MagnusGreeol]

- A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[guido74]

Was at the Supermarket and I saw for sale a can of Dehydrated Water.

It said on the label, just add water and serve.

Mind = Blown.

[Razorvich]

updated

[Dukasaur]

Dave is chatting with the guys at work, when the subject comes around to women, and one of the guys brings up the well-known fact that all women with brown eyes cheat. All of a sudden it occurs to him that his wife might have brown eyes, although he can't remember with absolute certainty.

At lunch time he can't take it any more. He has to know. So, he jumps into his car races home, runs into the house, runs upstairs, and looks into his wife's eyes. "Aha!" he cries, "brown!"

Sheepishly, his buddy Jack Brown steps out of the walk-in closet. "How the hell did you find out?"

[Tobikera]

Doctor: You're obese.
Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion.

[spoiler]Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.[/spoiler]

[misteryforall]

Talking politician and a prostitute and says politician:
  - Hello, my name is John, I am 40, I am a politician. Policy to deal with 15 years and honest man himself.
The prostitute replied calmly:
- Hello, my name is Ana, a prostitute and I'm 35 years old. I am into prostitution 10 years and still am innocent(virgin).

[LiveLoveTeach]

Mewtwo: Exactly how many pokemon did you mate with Mew?
Mew: ...
Mew: Ever heard the phrase "gotta catch em all"?
Mewtwo:

[Pochuco]

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

[MSpitts24]

(in morse code):
... - ..--- ---. .. -- --- ... . -- .. --- . ..-- .-- ... - .. -- ...

.. - --- .. -

[Winged Cat]

(in morse code):
... - ..--- ---. .. -- --- ... . -- .. --- . ..-- .-- ... - .. -- ...

.. - --- .. -

[spoiler]You have a couple incorrect sequences there (---. and ..--), unless you're using Gerke, but the rest doesn't parse anyway (ST2#IMOSEMIOE#WSTIMS ITOIT, # for the errors).[/spoiler]

But taking inspiration from inverting that first one:

.-- .... -.-- / -.. .. -.. / - .... . / - . .-.. . --. .-. .- .--. .... . .-. / - .... .. -. -.- / - .... . / --.. . .-.. -.. .- / --. .- -- . ... / ..- ... . / ...- / ..-. --- .-. / - .-. . .- ... ..- .-. . ..--.. / -... . -.-. .- ..- ... . / --- ..-. / - .... . / - .... . -- . ---... / -.. ..- .... / -.. ..- .... / -.. ..- .... / -.. .- .- .- .... .-.-.-